AA Batteries vs Mushroom Soup

I sit here at 8 am after a night of no sleep and reflect on the deeper meaning of life. Is there any point to all this seemingly meaningless bullshit that I endure day in and day out? Is there something that I'm supposed to suddenly grasp, so all of life makes sense, or is it a twisted joke to which I'll never hear the punch line? My vote is for the later.

While I ponder about life, I have to wonder what sort of entertainment value all these crazy fuckers I've dated brought to the joke of my life. I probably could have visited a psychiatric ward on a day pass and got the same life lessons out of it. Maybe that would have been insufficient, I had to actually live with the nut jobs and wrangle them into their tight white coats for their lifelong self hugs. If something funny had to happen, couldn't I have just been electrocuted while banging myself with a dildo? Better yet, took that rubber johnson on a real date before I fuck it, just once...

My dildo "Bob" and I go out for a "fancy" dinner, I have steak and I take the liberty of ordering a cream soup for Bob because I know he'd enjoy it. Much to my surprise, his table manners are terrible, he plunges right into that soup and manages to splash it all over the table with his vibrating. I am embarrassed, people are staring at us. I smile at them uncomfortably. As soon as I make eye contact, they look away. Finally, fed up with Bob's bullshit, I bang my fist on the table and shout obscenities at Him. As he falls out of his bowl of soup, it spills everywhere, he just lays there vibrating on the floor. I'm in shock, usually Bob is so loving and tender, not today, damn him. Everyone watches us walk out of the restaurant that night. I apologize to the hostess for Bob's terrible behavior...she just blushes and smiles. She understands, she must have a "man" like Bob at home too.

Maybe someday, I'll get the punchline...then Bob and I can throw back our heads and laugh. 

Rented Porn and Hot dogs

All of us have seen it, lurking in a hidden corner, possibly semi concealed by some swinging saloon doors...the smut room in the video store. This magical place is filled with gems; "Geriatric Park", for the lovers of sagging flesh and"Debbie Does Dallas", for the guys that just can't get enough bush. Every poison you could imagine, depending on your sickness. It's all there, in that little room, the wonderful place that smells of body odour and boiled hot dogs.

I wonder about the people who rent porn. Do they enjoy the stares of young mothers, while they hurry their children away from "the bad man"? Is the acting so thrilling in these films that you just cannot buy one, you must see them all? Or is it the scornful look the old woman behind the counter shoots at them for renting "Big Tits and Barely Legal"? Maybe I should conduct interviews on the "good" side of the swinging doors, while Uncle Pervy tries unsuccessfully to conceal his massive boner...

At any rate, I don't think anyone really considers the yuck level of the movies they're renting.

Here's an example...

Mike Hunt rents a video from the purveyors of porn. He takes it home, he's excited to watch it. He gets all of his toys out, which he hasn't washed because he's a guy, puts them on his bed and pops the DVD into his player. He does his business, which may include a little butt hole surfing. His hands are sticky, stinky and covered in stuff. He wipes it on a dirty towel that he keeps for the occasion, it's crusty with random yuck from previous business. He doesn't want anyone to see the porn in his DVD player or maybe he wants another movie. He puts that one back in the case...with his filthy hands. He takes the movie to the video store and drops it in the slot.

Here's the kicker, they do not wash those movies at the video store. I asked. The old lady behind the counter was sickened by the thought of even touching them, let alone washing them. This is why the porn room smells of boiled hot dogs...that is the smell of lonely men and old semen...

SO the next time you're feeling sexy and you want to rent some porn...remember...Mike Hunt is all over that movie...

And Jesus said....Let me mail you some crackers?

I've been off work for almost a month, saying up til 3 or 4 am most nights, just so I can catch Peter Popoff's "sermons" about his religious craziness and "Divine Transfers". He rants about mailing people this "Miracle Manna", "God" told Peter the recipe...10 tabs of acid, flour, baking soda, and just a sprinkle of crack cocaine. It's a "miracle cracker" and he's going to mail it to you with some special instructions (read...God says send me your money. Dig deep bitches.). Then good old Peter Popoff will pray for "God" to send you a large cheque. "Praise Jesus! A Divine Transfer will come your way. Amen..". I laugh every time I see his little bullshit show, it's the same one every night. Alas, I never tire of watching that level of insanity. It may have something to do with all the crackheads shouting about Jesus and money, while crying and sweating like whores in church...which they may be.  

(in case you sleep at night here's link to a 41 second bit about the "power" of the miracle cracker..... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4_CYVGN15E )

What is the mental state of the people who believe this garbage? Further, what kind of moron eats crackers they get in the mail? Has humankind reached a new level of stupidity? Or is it just the insanely religious who have lost most of their brain function? 

Maybe I'm sour on religion due to my Grandfather being the captain of crazy-as-they-come Born-Again Christians or maybe my IQ is a little too high, even while sleep deprived. Either way, I'm damn happy not to be one of the shepherds sheep, I really prefer being the wolf.